i'm only sleeping

how’s this for psychoanalysis: i had a dream about freud. i’ll explain first what happened, and then what i think it means.

it took place in my apartment. one of only two dreams to take place here. i was standing in front of my couch, as if i’d just stood up from sitting there, behind the coffee table. freud was standing in a three-piece suit in front of the window nearest the book case. there was a non-descript short woman with long hair standing to his right, my left. she sort of felt like vivian, but wasn’t precisely her. in real-life orientation she would have been standing in my room, but i could see her unobstructed. freud was imprisoned where he stood, in a social no-option way, not a physical-chains way. precisely as a child told to sit in time-out cannot move. he could theoretically, but ultimately he must stay there. i asked freud, “have you ever done coke?” i knew he had (which is true in real life) and wanted to see if he would lie. he paused for a minute and said, “no.” i knew he was lying. i walked away into the kitchen and with my back to him said, “i once heard honesty is the measure of a man’s integrity. do you agree?” he ignored the question and tried to bring my attention to a flyer of his which was on my coffee table, “did you see about…” something he wanted to convince me of. it was information and a small photo down to the neck of a young african princess wearing gold. i told him, “you ignored my question.” he gave me some sort of vague affirmative answer.

freud’s involvement in my dream is obviously a manifestation of the intense introspection i’ve been faced with in my recent isolation. his appearance and tone may have also been an embodiment of my conflicting emotions for this form of a man. in one sense i feel great respect for this man: older, wise, calm, genius, well-dressed, articulate, in a word– legitimate. the form i ultimately am striving to become. in another sense it’s a form i reject out of defiance, i resent the authority of this form, and i’m offended by an attitude i stereotype this form with having: presumptuousness and an underestimation of my present self. i was “grilling” him, reversing the role i feel that i am often in– in a social corner being interrogated for my wrongs. it’s so easy to be the one asking the questions and standing self-righteous and proud. even if the years have afforded you that– it is still taking the easy road.